ADULTERY REALITIESby Florence Steiner
From
my experience as a spiritual psychic throughout my twenty-three years,
I would say I have heard from clients more regarding "Adultery" than
any other of the ten commandments God has set down for us to live by.
I have had the person who have committed adultery and their
reasons why and also the clients who are the victims of adultery.
I have learned that the one who committed adultery will
sooner
or
later confess or be found out.
A client came to me and said "But I told her I cheated, I was honest with her". My answer to him was "No, your so called honesty was cruel. You told her to rid yourself of the guilt and told yourself "at least I told her the truth, which took you off the hook". He said "Then what should I have done"? I replied "What you should have done was never tell her and cause her pain and YOU should have carried this guilt with you for the rest of your life". He looked STARTLED!!!!
When a spouse commits Adultery, it is the ultimate betrayal!!! No wonder our Father incorporated it as one of His rules for us to live by. To discern whether you are able to really forgive that person, there are some things a person needs to face up to that they usually don't, only to find it out much later ... and sometimes with harder consequences.... sometimes physically as well as emotionally. There are "Realities" that usually the person who feels betrayed do not face up to in order to make a decision whether or not to stay or to leave the cheating spouse. Ask yourself some of these questions to give you an idea if you are deluding yourself or facing up to what you can expect:
When you can say "I forgive you" to yourself or your spouse, are you saying that because:
1. You are afraid of going it alone and making a life for yourself?
2. Financial bills and mortgage are involved and I can't make it alone financially?
3. You really do love your cheating spouse or are you willing to tell yourself that in order to cope, convincing yourself?
4. You feel guilty that it is your fault because of something you said or did that made your spouse "choose" to cheat for she/he needed the attention you weren't giving, therefore, blame yourself for her/his infidelity and it was justified?
5. You tell yourself that in no way it can happen again because the cheating spouse told you about the affair and promised it would never happen again?
6. You tell yourself that you must prove to your cheating spouse, even more, that you love her/him and it will keep them from cheating again... proving yourself over and over again?
7. You are afraid if you left, you will not find someone else to share your life with, needing another person tin your environment to fulfill you?
8. You are forgiving your cheating spouse because of the child or children?
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR ALL THE ABOVE QUESTIONS
1. To stay in a relationship out of fear of living alone does not bring about a happy relationship. You are not in "Reality" if you are thinking this... think "I choose to stay because I am afraid to live alone" and not delude yourself with other reasons that are not so. Sometimes going alone is less stress than being in a relationship where there is abuse (physical/emotional), conniving, manipulation, if that is the case. You have to ask yourself if this is what you are getting from the cheating spouse. If the answer is "Yes", then going it alone is exactly what you might need to do and try to know that you are to "person dependent", that you like yourself and God loves you and you can live on your own if need be.
2. Finances are the biggest reason why a lot of married couples stay together. If you are staying in your relationship and telling yourself you love your cheating spouse and the underlying reality is because of financial reasons, more than likely the finances will increase... especially if one spouse spends money needlessly or on expensive things rather than getting the bills down.. courts have a way taking the financial situation of both parties into consideration...they know you have to live somewhere, but not always together. Staying together because of finances never settles the situation. If you are staying because of finances, be sure to tell yourself that is why you are staying in the relationship and don't fool yourself with other excuses... this keeps you in "Reality" and if in "Reality" financially, maybe you can work a system regarding your financial situation.
3. You may say "I really do love her/him", but if you have ever felt disdain, hatred, manipulated by your spouse rather than the feeling of "partnership", then you are not in "Reality" as to how your relationship is going. If you have lost your sexual drive for your spouse and do not feel like making love, you are also fooling yourself. If you think that your sexual relationship, because of the cheating, has not changed on your part every time you make love in a way that it makes you recall or imagine someone else with her/him instead, then you are fooling yourself. These are normal reactions and can continue throughout the marriage. If you choose to stay with your spouse after learning infidelity, you need to accept that this can happen... acceptance of these feelings are important if you choose to stay, otherwise, you are not in reality. You have to expect this to happen, and either be able to accept these feelings, live with them, or move on.
4. If you feel it was your fault that your spouse cheated for what you said to her/him or what you did, then you are not in "Reality". The spouse who cheated "CHOSE" to cheat by their own free will and can use this excuse for their actions also, putting you on a guilt trip and not really accepting their actions we4re entirely wrong and deceptive. A person who does not believe in adultery, obeys God's Ten Commandments (which is always easy to do) does not cheat on their spouse no matter what is going on!!! If you stay in the relationship because you blame yourself for your spouse's "choice" for having an affair, you are not in "Reality". If you cannot say she/he chose to have an affair but I won't make excuses for either one of us as to why, then "You are in Realty".
5. Because you got a confession and a promise does not mean it is true, for the spouse who cheated in the first place would not have done it because it is not their makeup to cheat no matter what is going on at home or between the two of you. Every time she/he walks out the door, is late coming home, you have to expect to wonder!!! This is "Reality"!!! You could wonder for the rest of your marriage. If you intend to keep the marriage you have to expect these feelings for they are normal and natural. If you tell yourself you will forget about it in time, you deluding yourself, for all it will take is a reminder... a song, a word, body language, and especially if they find fault with the little things that could and should be overlooked, that is a good sign something is going on again. Once trust is broken, it is "Reality" that this type of broken trust can never be regained to normalcy. If you choose to stay in the marriage, you have to expect these emotions, wondering, under the circumstances and not delude yourself they don't exist.
6. You will not be in "Reality" if you think that if you go out of your way to prove to your spouse, almost to extreme that you love her/him to keep her/him from cheating again... proving yourself over and over again to excess, then you are not in "Reality". To make improvements may be necessary and good, but to overdo your good behavior syndrome and think it will and can stop cheating, "You are not in Reality". Again, a person who cheats finds excuses to do so, therefore, no matter what you do for them or how good you treat them will not be the key to stop a cheater. Remember the choice of a cheater is "their's"!!!
7. This goes back to No. 1. If you stay in a relationship that cheats and you cannot forget it or thing you have forgiven it, you are deluding yourself. The "Reality" is you never forget and you never really forgive in your heart and mind. If you can accept this, keep it to yourself, and when feelings come up and plaque you, then you have to say to "yourself" these are natural feelings I am having, however, I did choose to stay with my marriage and make it work. If you carry it one step further and ask yourself "what if I don't find someone else", then you are co-dependent and you are staying in your marriage for this reason. Look at it, accept about these co-dependent feelings that hold you to someone you really don't want to be with. You need to learn to LOVE YOURSELF AND LIVE WITH YOURSELF FIRST before you can really be a true partner in life with someone else, accepting they are human, with faults, but cheating is not a fault it is a "CHOICE"!!!
8. You may forgive your cheating spouse because you use your child or children to do so. Not every situation is better for the child/children by the marriage staying together when two people are at odds with one another and not trustworthy. Children "feel" something wrong and sometimes having quality time with both parents, even if apart, is better than their observation and how they sense something is wrong between you. If you cannot forgive you spouse for cheating, that is normal; but if you cannot keep it from showing, then the children are your excuse of staying and they will suffer whether mother and dad are together or apart... but having quality time with both parents to fulfill their needs, both parents taking equal responsibility for loving and teaching their children and taking an interest in their interests.
A client came to me and said "But I told her I cheated, I was honest with her". My answer to him was "No, your so called honesty was cruel. You told her to rid yourself of the guilt and told yourself "at least I told her the truth, which took you off the hook". He said "Then what should I have done"? I replied "What you should have done was never tell her and cause her pain and YOU should have carried this guilt with you for the rest of your life". He looked STARTLED!!!!
When a spouse commits Adultery, it is the ultimate betrayal!!! No wonder our Father incorporated it as one of His rules for us to live by. To discern whether you are able to really forgive that person, there are some things a person needs to face up to that they usually don't, only to find it out much later ... and sometimes with harder consequences.... sometimes physically as well as emotionally. There are "Realities" that usually the person who feels betrayed do not face up to in order to make a decision whether or not to stay or to leave the cheating spouse. Ask yourself some of these questions to give you an idea if you are deluding yourself or facing up to what you can expect:
When you can say "I forgive you" to yourself or your spouse, are you saying that because:
1. You are afraid of going it alone and making a life for yourself?
2. Financial bills and mortgage are involved and I can't make it alone financially?
3. You really do love your cheating spouse or are you willing to tell yourself that in order to cope, convincing yourself?
4. You feel guilty that it is your fault because of something you said or did that made your spouse "choose" to cheat for she/he needed the attention you weren't giving, therefore, blame yourself for her/his infidelity and it was justified?
5. You tell yourself that in no way it can happen again because the cheating spouse told you about the affair and promised it would never happen again?
6. You tell yourself that you must prove to your cheating spouse, even more, that you love her/him and it will keep them from cheating again... proving yourself over and over again?
7. You are afraid if you left, you will not find someone else to share your life with, needing another person tin your environment to fulfill you?
8. You are forgiving your cheating spouse because of the child or children?
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR ALL THE ABOVE QUESTIONS
1. To stay in a relationship out of fear of living alone does not bring about a happy relationship. You are not in "Reality" if you are thinking this... think "I choose to stay because I am afraid to live alone" and not delude yourself with other reasons that are not so. Sometimes going alone is less stress than being in a relationship where there is abuse (physical/emotional), conniving, manipulation, if that is the case. You have to ask yourself if this is what you are getting from the cheating spouse. If the answer is "Yes", then going it alone is exactly what you might need to do and try to know that you are to "person dependent", that you like yourself and God loves you and you can live on your own if need be.
2. Finances are the biggest reason why a lot of married couples stay together. If you are staying in your relationship and telling yourself you love your cheating spouse and the underlying reality is because of financial reasons, more than likely the finances will increase... especially if one spouse spends money needlessly or on expensive things rather than getting the bills down.. courts have a way taking the financial situation of both parties into consideration...they know you have to live somewhere, but not always together. Staying together because of finances never settles the situation. If you are staying because of finances, be sure to tell yourself that is why you are staying in the relationship and don't fool yourself with other excuses... this keeps you in "Reality" and if in "Reality" financially, maybe you can work a system regarding your financial situation.
3. You may say "I really do love her/him", but if you have ever felt disdain, hatred, manipulated by your spouse rather than the feeling of "partnership", then you are not in "Reality" as to how your relationship is going. If you have lost your sexual drive for your spouse and do not feel like making love, you are also fooling yourself. If you think that your sexual relationship, because of the cheating, has not changed on your part every time you make love in a way that it makes you recall or imagine someone else with her/him instead, then you are fooling yourself. These are normal reactions and can continue throughout the marriage. If you choose to stay with your spouse after learning infidelity, you need to accept that this can happen... acceptance of these feelings are important if you choose to stay, otherwise, you are not in reality. You have to expect this to happen, and either be able to accept these feelings, live with them, or move on.
4. If you feel it was your fault that your spouse cheated for what you said to her/him or what you did, then you are not in "Reality". The spouse who cheated "CHOSE" to cheat by their own free will and can use this excuse for their actions also, putting you on a guilt trip and not really accepting their actions we4re entirely wrong and deceptive. A person who does not believe in adultery, obeys God's Ten Commandments (which is always easy to do) does not cheat on their spouse no matter what is going on!!! If you stay in the relationship because you blame yourself for your spouse's "choice" for having an affair, you are not in "Reality". If you cannot say she/he chose to have an affair but I won't make excuses for either one of us as to why, then "You are in Realty".
5. Because you got a confession and a promise does not mean it is true, for the spouse who cheated in the first place would not have done it because it is not their makeup to cheat no matter what is going on at home or between the two of you. Every time she/he walks out the door, is late coming home, you have to expect to wonder!!! This is "Reality"!!! You could wonder for the rest of your marriage. If you intend to keep the marriage you have to expect these feelings for they are normal and natural. If you tell yourself you will forget about it in time, you deluding yourself, for all it will take is a reminder... a song, a word, body language, and especially if they find fault with the little things that could and should be overlooked, that is a good sign something is going on again. Once trust is broken, it is "Reality" that this type of broken trust can never be regained to normalcy. If you choose to stay in the marriage, you have to expect these emotions, wondering, under the circumstances and not delude yourself they don't exist.
6. You will not be in "Reality" if you think that if you go out of your way to prove to your spouse, almost to extreme that you love her/him to keep her/him from cheating again... proving yourself over and over again to excess, then you are not in "Reality". To make improvements may be necessary and good, but to overdo your good behavior syndrome and think it will and can stop cheating, "You are not in Reality". Again, a person who cheats finds excuses to do so, therefore, no matter what you do for them or how good you treat them will not be the key to stop a cheater. Remember the choice of a cheater is "their's"!!!
7. This goes back to No. 1. If you stay in a relationship that cheats and you cannot forget it or thing you have forgiven it, you are deluding yourself. The "Reality" is you never forget and you never really forgive in your heart and mind. If you can accept this, keep it to yourself, and when feelings come up and plaque you, then you have to say to "yourself" these are natural feelings I am having, however, I did choose to stay with my marriage and make it work. If you carry it one step further and ask yourself "what if I don't find someone else", then you are co-dependent and you are staying in your marriage for this reason. Look at it, accept about these co-dependent feelings that hold you to someone you really don't want to be with. You need to learn to LOVE YOURSELF AND LIVE WITH YOURSELF FIRST before you can really be a true partner in life with someone else, accepting they are human, with faults, but cheating is not a fault it is a "CHOICE"!!!
8. You may forgive your cheating spouse because you use your child or children to do so. Not every situation is better for the child/children by the marriage staying together when two people are at odds with one another and not trustworthy. Children "feel" something wrong and sometimes having quality time with both parents, even if apart, is better than their observation and how they sense something is wrong between you. If you cannot forgive you spouse for cheating, that is normal; but if you cannot keep it from showing, then the children are your excuse of staying and they will suffer whether mother and dad are together or apart... but having quality time with both parents to fulfill their needs, both parents taking equal responsibility for loving and teaching their children and taking an interest in their interests.
©2001 FLORENCE STEINER -This article may be reprinted in its entirety providing all credit information is included.
FLORENCE STEINER, PSYCHIC-MEDIUM,
AUTHOR
Phone: (410) 636-1196
Phone Readings Available by Appointment
Email: psychicflo33@juno.com
Healing Archives
Phone: (410) 636-1196
Phone Readings Available by Appointment
Email: psychicflo33@juno.com
Healing Archives